the game is OVER

This is how the story goes.

The first time I read his blog, it was a story written on the night of his betrayal. He was betrayed by his fling to be exact. It was a sentimental piece by a charming who seemed to have it all young man. I was surprised.

For people who know me, they know I can fall in love with words. And this guy is certainly capable of spelling out his mind eloquantly. It was when I started to follow his blog everyday.

He does have it all. Career, look, money, women. Not only his lifestyle is close to mine, it's the way he's willing to explore life that turns me on.

He took on the WTO riot and was attacked by pepper spray; he went on a vacation alone and mingled with the locals; he went for a bungee jump though didn't work out in the end due to bad weather....the list goes on.

Things I have actually done myself, and things I have longed to try.

In one piece he talked about his disapproval towards girls who cheat.

In one piece he talked about his family value. I was impressed.

And in one piece he wrote about getting over a hundred stuffed animals for a orphanage, this was when I screamed to myself, this is my MAN, I have to get him.

In that instance, I fell in love, with an imaginary man, because I thought I have never found a man so right. And I know I'm too old to let a potential slip away, again.

So I took the move.

I was aware with the fact that he's so perfect because it's all only in my mind. But for those who know me, they know I wouldn't care. And I'm not scared of disappointment, because I'm too used to it.

I was this close to meeting him in person.

Then on the same night one of our mutual friends referred him as an "international playboy", he treated his blog with the story of another betrayal. It was a slap on my face.

It's not the fact that he has so many flings that hits me, it's about WHY I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A WOMANIZER EVERYTIME?!

Men talking about stability, it's only bullshit.

Looking back, nine out of ten guys I dated or was in love with were one of this kind. In the past I was too confident and young and was not afraid. Now I am still confident, but I'm too old for this game. I learned that if I know ahead it's wrong, there's always the option of "opting out". I don't have to force myself to finish with whatever I'm doing to achieve the "goal".

Relationships are not about challenges, or succeding.

In the face of realizing this, I'm very sad/mad/disapointed. Not because I cannot get something I wanted so bad, but because something I wanted so bad never existed.

I realized I cannot blame others for my broken relationships. The problem is in me. After having tried so hard and looked so long, I still and only fell in love with the wrong guy.