愛情，我沒有時間跟你玩

昨晚我發覺，原來我和年青一代，已存在代溝。我，老了。

那位剛認識的大學小女孩，在酒吧裡，一直用年輕人特有的意氣昂揚語氣，敍述她失戀的經過。她說她愛上了一個網上結識的小男孩，瞹眛了一陣子，前幾天她硬要跟那男孩「攤牌」時，那個男的說：「我好難過，原來沒有人了解我。為甚麼事情一定要講得清清楚楚？你知道我是喜歡你的，但我們以後都不要再談這事了。請你不要再愛我，不要再想我，否則我們不能再當朋友。」

我一邊聽著，一邊東張西望，盡量掩飾心中的冷笑和不屑。最讓我想一巴掌打下去的是，那女的說：「都是我的錯，為甚麼我一定要搞清楚，以前不是很好？」

另一個與她年紀相約，看上去呆呆的小男孩，也在旁邊直點頭，唯唯諾諾。

我老了。

我曾幾何時，也有像她的時候。上一次，是七年前，中學時代。一廂情願地，我喜歡你，我在你身邊，做好朋友，就夠了。

現在，沒有結果的事，我不會做。你不愛我，我根本不會愛你。你不要我，更妄想我想要你。愛情，只建築在條件、外貌、性格之上。缺一的，我們不可能。我沒有驚艷的容貌，或笨男孩喜歡的嬌滴滴，但我有自信的過一點——自負，所以我還不會降低條件。

是現實也好，勢利也好，我並沒有時間再去玩追追逐逐的愛情遊戲。事業，比愛情重要。

我並不介意一個人。硬要找一個人，到頭來如果發現是在浪費時間，更可悲。

也不用為我可惜，反正我經歷過多次愛情，沒有啥要遺憾的。

況且，我知道，它在那兒。

never trust what people tell you

This was the golden rule I learnt from the Underground Economy class the last year at McGill. Professor Thomas Naylor is an expert in the money laundering industry. Basically what he was saying was, be skeptical about whatever people tell you, especially those figures told by the governments. Take money daundering as an example, with its complex nature and process, it is simply impossible to formulate an equation to calculate even its estimated sum per year. So, all those figures the governments throw at us are just random numbers that got picked out from the dartboard for the sake to impress, or, for the good of their policy implementation.

The theory was further taken to heart when I worked at the Lau office and I have learnt not to trust what the government says. But today, I also learnt not to trust ANY politicians.

Before given the previous identity, I participated in some close door meetings. Inside stories were shared among the legislators as a gesture of reciprocity. So as time passed I listened to stories here and there and I got the false impression that these people are honest people! Now I realized I've been wrong. Too naive. They most of the time just tell part of the truth, or even contrary to the truth, for their own benefits.

Now that memory's been refreshed, I will always remember what I learnt from Prof. Naylor's class.

After one week...

(I know I haven't updated my blog for quite a while. That's because I didn't want to turn my blog into an open diary sort of style however I really didn't want to write anything related to politics because that's what I've been dealing with 24/7 already. But still, I gotta say something about my new job. Right?)

Today's one week-versary of my new job.

From being totally lost, stressed, both physically and mentally exhausted and feeling like a dumb jack, I have finally learnt the trick of being a reporter and made friends with adversity. Can't believe I'm already saying this after one short week huh?!

The first three days was like hell and there were times I felt so uptight that I fell sick. All those socializing, name memorizing, news analyzing...just drove me crazy. Having used to the laid back slacking life style I was totally whacked by this sudden change. Not only do I need to be standing/walking/running for the whole afternoon, cannot start the real work (writing articles) while people are already on their way home, and have only one real meal a day (which is breakfast), the working hour just doesn't allow me to have a life. I get up at 10 and spend the following 3 hours on reading newspaper and preparing for my job of the day, then I take off to work, usually, at 1:30pm, and finish work at midnight. And a lot of time after I got home, colleagues would still call and assign me with different tasks. So the sole personal time I have for the whole day is the two hours I spend in front of the computer before I go to sleep.

OK I sounded like I have a lot of complaints. But I don't. I'm just saying that this dream job of mine is a little beyond my expectation. Being a reporter is like 24 hours on call but I'm a person who needs constant parties. On Friday night I wanted to go out and had fun but I couldn't because I was too tired from work. Last night I had to head home early because I needed to work this morning already. So does that mean no more night life for me? The story doesn't just stop here. More personality complex.

I know I have attitude problem and I have the "need" to be mean when I feel like it. But since the very first day I landed this job I have been putting this big sweet smile on my face and pretending to be nice and cheerful and friends with the whole world. That's the only way to integrate into this industry.

However, (here's the twist), as time passed, (which is, again, 7 days) I realized I have gradually adapting to the new environment and I could handle the situation with more ease. Here's the self-manipulating picture I told myself. Since the reporters I met everyday are basically the same bunch of people, because by job nature we are all political reporters and we cover news on the same line, and there are around 30 of them, so I could take it as the days back in college. Once I get close to them, it's gonna be a lot of fun, like seeing friends everyday. Then all I need to do is to chit-chat with them, have some information exchange, question the legislators or political figures together like we did to professors, and then finish the assignments seperately like we used to do! Really, no stress at all, indeed, fun!

And lastly, I'm coming to conquer the stress of meeting tight deadline too. Tonight I was quite happy about my performance. When I finished writing two articles, it was only nine, which means I would have time for two more short stories. And I'm sure (all this self-confidence again) with more practice the writing speed would no longer be a problem for me in the near future. The one thing I need to seriously improve though, and it's actually the most important, is my writing style. Right now, I only have little clue of how to turn a boring piece of political info into a fascinating piece of news story.

"In conclusion", I like my job, despite all my whinings. It's exciting and challenging and I get to talk to those important people. Tomorrow my only task is to attend an EU banquet in which CS Donald Tsang is going to be there and to socialize with all the ambassadors and legislators. Sounds fun.